Still
by sknkodiak
Summary: Buck, and then Ezra, disappear after JD says some things he shouldn't have.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: My first M7 story to take place in the canon universe rather than the ATF A/U. Written sometime between March 2000 and June 2004 but probably before the Car Accident (otherwise known as the Life Changing Event) that occurred July 14, 2002. Beta'd by Wendy. It is archived at Blackraptor, but this is a slightly different version with some changes I've wanted to make._

 **Still**

 _by Sue Kelley_

They call me The Kid. Worse, they think of me as The Kid. Nobody seems to remember I'm only a couple of years younger than Vin. Hell, I'm not that much younger than Ezra. At least Vin and Ezra don't call me "Son". It would sound pretty stupid comin' from them-like they were out begetting (Josiah uses that word sometimes) children before they were even in long pants themselves. Vin does call me "Kid" though. Not too often, but sometimes. Ezra don't ever call me that but I bet he thinks it. He does call me "Young Man" in that same tone of voice old Mrs. Kent used when she didn't like the way I groomed her carriage horses.  
As for the others...well, Josiah calls everyone "Son". Okay, not Chris. Chris'd probably just shoot him or something if he called him "Son" .

Nathan and Chris? I'm not sure either of them knows my name. Maybe they think my name is The Kid, like in that dime novel about that Pony Express rider. Maybe I should "accidentally" leave Ma's old Bible out so they can see where she entered my name the day I was born... no, that wouldn't be a good idea. Them thinking my name is The Kid Dunne is better than them knowin' what the "D" in "JD" stands for.

I think.

Then there's Buck.

Now, Buck does know my name. But it don't make any difference. No matter what he calls me-JD, Kid, Son-he thinks of me as a kid. A greenhorn. Someone who has to be led by the hand...and taken care of.

Okay, maybe...just maybe that was true when we first met. After my mother died I just had one idea in my head-GO WEST YOUNG MAN. Ma'd saved some money-it was always her dream that I'd go to college. There wasn't anything near enough for that but there was enough to get me west. With my saddle and one change of clothes, the Bible and her old locket. That stage got here to town just as all heck-hell was breaking loose with those cattle hands just bound and determined they were goin' to hang Nathan, and Chris and Vin just as determined they weren't goin' to.

Guess they had every right to laugh when I showed up and invited myself along to the Seminole village. Especially since Chris had called me on drawin' on a man's back the day before. I don't know why I done that, I wasn't goin' to shoot him. Guess I was just trying to show off in front of the great Chris Larabee.

But heck-hell, that was a long time ago. Over a year back. Maybe I _was_ a kid then. But I'm a man now. In any way that means anything. Well, maybe not every way...although I bet Buck is the only person who thinks...well, you know, _that_ , makes a man a man.

But I've shot people (not in the back). I cuss and gamble and even drink whiskey-well, okay, I drink beer. Sometimes. Can't see how the guys toss back that rotgut-it tastes like horse liniment smells. I even wear a tin star (not sure why Chris won't wear it, but I'm the sheriff of this town.) And I'm one of The Seven

Josiah just wandered past and stopped to talk about coyotes and wolves. It didn't make much sense but I know what he's sayin'. He thinks I was wrong for yellin' at Buck in front of everybody last night. Heck-Hell, everybody wants to tell me I was wrong. Chris lit into me before the saloon doors stopped swingin' behind Buck's back. Like he's got so much room to talk. He gets mad at Buck all the time. I didn't say that to him, though...I don't have a death wish in spite of what Buck says.

Okay, so maybe I was spoilin' for a fight. Heck-Hell, I don't even remember what he said to piss me off. I snapped back and he laughed. He laughed! Like nothing I said should be took serious. I started stammerin' I was so mad. Then he said it, somethin' about me maybe havin' had too much beer. I yelled, "Just shut up, Buck Wilmington! I don't need you tellin' me what to do. You ain't my big brother! Just get out a' my life!"

You know how a room just goes so deathly quiet so it sounds like you're yellin' at the top of your lungs? Well, that's the way the saloon was. Everybody was starin'. First at me then at Buck.

Buck just looked...funny. His face...just shut down. Not like Ezra's poker face, Buck's face just went...still. All of a sudden I thought of Johnny, this kid that worked in the stable with me. He fell out of the hayloft. Broke his foot but he didn't know it at first. He jumped up real fast. He touched his foot down on the ground and-just for a second-his face went just still and dead. Then of course he realized he was hurtin' like blazes and he started yellin' his head off.

Buck didn't yell at me, or anyone else. He didn't say anything. His eyes went really dark, almost black. Then he looked over at Chris, and back at me. He still didn't say anything. He just put down his beer mug and got up and left the saloon.

For what seemed like forever it was really quiet, nobody lookin' at anybody else. Then all of a sudden people started talking and laughing and tryin' to pretend nothing happened.

Not the guys though. Vin just looked at me and shook his head. Ezra put down his cards and muttered something that translated to "Going to get a breath of fresh air," and walked out behind Buck. Nathan and Josiah just looked-I don't know-sad. And Chris stared at me. Not his real deadly glare-the one he gives bad guys when they're trying to rob the bank, or Ezra when he's slept in and missed his patrol, or even Buck when he's just being...Buck. No he just stared at me like he'd never seen me before. Or maybe he had seen me but had never recognized me.

I got up to go get another beer and while I was standing at the bar Chris appeared next to me and said "It ain't right to fault a man for bein' what he is, Kid. Buck's Buck."

Okay, so what was that supposed to mean? I just stared at him. He wasn't lookin' at me, he was lookin' into space, and he nodded real slow and said, "Shouldn't wish somethin' precious away, cause one day you might just wake up and find it's gone."

He must be taking lessons from Josiah. Funny thing, I wasn't sure he was even talkin' to me. I mean, at the time I thought he was, but lookin' back on it now, maybe he was talkin' to himself.

Not that either one of us is ever gonna get rid of Buck, though. Heck, when I'm trippin' over my long white beard and my grandkids, Buck'll still be around. Probably still callin' me Kid and braggin' about his _animal maggotism._

I went back to the table. Vin had gone-it was his turn on midnight patrol. Chris followed me back but he didn't say anything more. After a little while though I got tired of the silence and I went over to my room.

I tapped on Buck's door as I passed it. No, I wasn't goin' to apologize to him but...I just wanted...heck-hell, I don't know what I wanted to do. Make sure he was there I guess. Make sure that I had imagined that look in his eyes. Like I'd cut him to the heart or something.

But he wasn't there. Course he wasn't. Buck don't spend very many nights in his own room. Heck I don't know why he don't just let it go and save the judge the money. Guess he needs a place to keep his extra shirts.

So I went to bed. Couldn't sleep though. I kind of tossed and turned. Kept seeing that look on Buck's face, and then hearing what Chris had said, and tryin' to figure it out. I was still mad at Buck but by mornin' I was kinda mad at myself too. I mean, I didn't mean for the whole town to hear what I said. I know that embarrassed Buck. Funny thing, you wouldn't think someone who's first exposure to the town was when he fell out of some lady's room wearin' nothin' but his long-johns _could_ get embarrassed.

I kept waitin' for Buck to come home. His room is next to mine and he usually comes in at some point. I never heard him though. He had the dawn patrol so I figured he probably just went straight from his lady friend to relieve Vin. Or maybe he slipped in quiet. I did sleep some so he could have done that.

I didn't feel so good when I got up. Not sick, but just wrong somehow. And I had a headache like nobody's business.

Okay, maybe Buck was right and I did drink too much beer.

I headed over to the hotel for breakfast. Walked in and the first person I saw was Vin. Which wasn't so strange cause he usually eats breakfast after he comes in from patrol before he disappears somewhere to sleep.

But Vin wasn't eatin'. He wasn't even sitting down at the table. He was standing next to Chris and both of them looked kind of worried. Chris saw me and motioned for me to come over. "JD. You seen Buck?"

"No." I reached for the pot of coffee...and then caught the funny looks Vin and Chris were giving me. "Why? He okay?" I got a little worried. I said to Vin, "He relieved you this mornin'."

Vin looked at Chris and then shook his head. "He never showed up."

I felt real cold suddenly. I looked over at the clock. It was after seven. Over an hour since Buck should have relieved Vin. Wasn't like him to be that late. Hell, it wasn't like him to be late at all. That's Ezra's trick. But I said anyway, "He probably just got...sidetracked (hell I can't even think about it without blushing!) And forgot the time."

"Yeah." Chris didn't look convinced. "Probably so."

Vin shook his head. "I looked. His horse ain't in the stable."

The cold spread deep in my gut through my whole body. I quickly looked at Chris, more for reassurance than anything else. I figured-I was hopin'-he'd make his usual _"Buck can take care of himself"_ kind of comment.

But Chris didn't say anything. He just pushed himself out of his chair and strode toward the door. Vin fell into step with him and I scrambled behind them.

Chris led us straight to Buck's room at the rooming house. He didn't knock, just tried the door. It was locked and he looked at me. "You got a key?"

I shook my head. Chris turned on his heel and went down the hall to his own room. Vin stayed put at Buck's door but for some reason I followed Chris. I was right there when he unlocked his door and I started to step in but he blocked me with his arm. He stepped in himself, moving delicately, almost on his tiptoes, looking at the floor and behind the door. "No note," he said harshly, seeing me watching him. Walking across the room he yanked open the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out a delicate gold-and-ivory china box. I felt my eyes widen. It sure didn't look like somethin' Chris Larabee should have. When he opened it a tinkling tune filled the room. I figured it must have been his wife's music box although I kind of remembered Buck telling me the house and everything in it was destroyed in the fire that killed Sarah and Adam. The box looked so tiny and fragile in Chris' big hand. He reached in and pulled out a key with two fingers. Then he was closing the box and putting it back in the drawer, and pushing past me without a word.

Buck's room, when Chris opened the door, looked like it always does. Well, maybe a little neater. The bed was made. One more reason to believe Buck had never made it home last night. Yesterday was Monday. The owner of the boarding house does laundry on Mondays. Every bed is treated to clean sheets.

Vin and I just stood in the door and watched Chris. If he was lookin' for anything specific, I couldn't tell. He opened the drawers-the first two had some clothes in them and the bottom drawer was empty. But then it always was. Chris' face seemed to relax some when he opened up the small drawer on top of the dresser. His body blocked me so I couldn't see what was in it, but he closed the drawer gently and turned to face Vin and me. "Well, wherever he is, he meant to come back." His voice sounded relieved.

"You sure about that, Cowboy?" Vin asked. Chris nodded, once, firmly.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Chris had been worried that Buck wouldn't come back? Why? Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Buck wouldn't leave. Not just cause of what I-" I stumbled to a stop when Chris just looked at me. The look in his eyes made me so mad I just said the first thing I thought. "Hell, Chris, I know you've said worse to him than I did, and he never left you!"

Vin grabbed my arm but it was too late, I'd already said it. For a minute I thought Chris might draw down on me and I was angry and stupid enough to almost hope he did.

Almost.

Chris just shook his head. He looked older, suddenly, and tired. Then his body stiffened with tension. "Ezra," he muttered.

I glanced over my shoulder, half expecting Ezra to be there, but he wasn't. Of course, he wasn't. Ezra didn't ever get up before ten unless someone makes him.

Chris swung around to look at Vin. "Ezra followed Buck out of the saloon last night. Was Chaucer in his stall?"

Vin looked surprised, then thoughtful, then he shook his head in disgust. "Nope. He wasn't. Damn. I didn't even notice."

Chris elbowed past us into the hall, Vin right on his heels. I followed, trying to tell myself not to worry. It was okay. Buck was okay. He was just...somewhere else. Eagle Bend maybe, or maybe he'd gone over to Bitter Creek or down to Purgatorio. Well, no, not Purgatorio. But somewhere. Somewhere there was whiskey and a willing lady.

And Buck could _always_ find a willing lady.

But my stomach was churnin' like I'd drunk bad milk or something. I kept hearin' my own voice last night, tellin' my best friend-no, more than friend-my brother in all but blood-to get out of my life. Kept seein' the look on his face just before he turned and walked out.

We all burst out of the boarding house into the bright morning sunshine. Vin was in the lead now, headin' toward the stables...then he stopped so fast Chris almost ran him down.

Two horses were plodding wearily into town, both so covered in brownish-gray dust I couldn't even tell what color they were. Except I knew. Knew even before I saw Ezra on the back of the lead horse, covered head to toe in the same choking dust.

Ezra was dallying the other horse behind him, holding onto the reins. A big horse. Lighter color than Chaucer, even under all that dust.

Paladin.

Buck's horse. Pal, he calls her.

I was running before I even consciously recognized the figure on Pal's back. A tall man, I could see that, even though he was slumped in the saddle like-

No.

God, no!

 _Buck!_

 _To be continued_


	2. Chapter 2

**Still**

 _by Sue Kelley_

 **Part 2**

I ran, but Chris and Vin were still there before me. Vin yanked out his knife and cut the ropes binding Buck's wrists to the saddle horn. Buck started to slide limply to one side but Chris reached up and caught him, easing him off the horse's back. Vin moved to help before they both ended up in the dirt. Buck's hat fell off and I saw his face.

Saw all the blood.

Oh dear God so much blood. All over his face and neck and shirt, caked in his hair.

For a few dizzying minutes all I could see was that blood. Spots danced in front of my eyes and I was scared I was goin' to throw up right there in the street in front of everybody. Everything moved real slow, start and stop. There was a roaring in my ears, so loud I thought everyone else must be able to hear it too.

Chris yelled for Nathan. He and Vin were tryin' to keep Buck upright between them. Chris was yelling at Buck, tellin' him to wake up, to open his eyes. But Buck just hung there between them, like a broken doll. Vin was trying to get both of them moving-then suddenly, Josiah and Nathan were just there. Never saw where they came from. Josiah somehow got Chris to let go, and he took Buck's legs and Vin took his shoulders, and they carried him up the steep steps to Nathan's clinic.

Chris and I started to follow, then suddenly Chris whirled around and glared at Ezra. Ezra was still on his horse, just staring after Vin and Josiah. He'd lost his hat somewhere and his hair was dark with sweat and dirt.

"What happened?" Chris snapped.

Ezra looked down at Chris and me as if he'd just realized we were there. He blinked two or three times and then his eyes drifted off to follow the others. "Rockslide," he finally answered.

Ezra never answers questions with just one word but I was so scared about Buck it didn't even strike me as strange until later on.

"Rockslide?" Chris repeated. His eyes narrowed. "Where? Are you all right?"

"Devil's Finger." Ezra shifted in the saddle. "My injuries are minor-"

"What the Hell were you two doing out there?" Chris exploded.

Devil's Finger is a canyon about two hours north of town. I've been there once. I thought of the narrow canyon floor and the high walls of jagged black rocks and shuddered.

Buck could have been killed.

I had to make sure he was okay. I turned and ran up the stairs to Nathan's. Just as I reached the top I heard Chris pound up behind me. Ezra had turned the horses and was slowly moving them toward the stables.

They'd put Buck in Nathan's bed and Josiah was moving around gathering up both the lamps and some candles. The curtains were open but the sun was on the other side of the building and so it was still pretty dim in there. Vin was standing against the wall, out of the way, and he was looking down at his hands. They were covered with something dark. Josiah lit one of the lamps and as the light fell across Vin I realized it was blood on his hands.

Buck's blood.

My heart started pumpin' wildly in my chest and I swallowed, trying to ignore the queasy feeling. Nathan was leaning over Buck. Buck was facin' away from me so I couldn't see him. I started to move around the bed but Nathan looked up and fixed me with a look that froze me in place.

Nathan was _scared._ Really scared.

I stopped. I opened my mouth but I couldn't say anything. My throat was dry as a desert and the queasiness was nausea churning my gut.

"Nathan?"

Chris' voice. He'd come in behind me. He didn't stop though, just walked around and looked down at Buck. His eyes widened and his shoulders seemed to slump. "Oh, shit," he breathed.

I'd never heard him sound like that before and it scared me even more. I started forward but Vin grabbed my arm. Then Chris turned around and blocked my view. "JD, get out of here," he ordered.

The haunted look in his eyes told me it was bad. But I was pissed too cause they were treating me like a kid again. I yanked my arm loose from Vin and dodged around Chris before he could stop me.

Oh dear God...

I took one look at the jagged gaping wound above Buck's eye and disappearing back into his hair and the room started spinnin' in circles. I couldn't breathe. Everything tilted crazily...

 **+-+-+-+**

"Breathe, JD."

I blinked. Everything seemed to be upside down and I slowly realized my head was between my knees. I tried to raise up but someone held me down and I felt something cold and drippin' wet on my neck. I took a deep breath of the fresh air. "Vin?" I asked. My voice seemed really small and far away.

"Right here, kid." The pressure on my shoulder increased a little. "You feelin' better?"

I pushed against his hand again and this time he let me raise my head. I blinked, looking around. I was on the balcony outside Nathan's clinic and Vin was crouched on his heels next to me. "What happened?" I asked. Everything seemed really vague and fuzzy.

And then I remembered. "Oh damn. Buck!" I tried to jump up but everything whirled around again and Vin grabbed me and shoved me back down onto the hard wooden bench.

"Mr. Dunne? Mr. Tanner? Is something amiss?" Ezra appeared, slowly climbing the staircase with one hand on the railing.

Vin snorted. "Shit, Ezra, where have you been?"

Even I could tell that wasn't really a question but Ezra seemed to take it serious. "I was seeing to the welfare of Mr. Wilmington's and my own steeds," he answered.

Vin gave him a funny look. "You feelin' okay, Ez?" he asked. "You didn't get hurt, did ya?"

"Minor injuries, I assure you. Mr. Wilmington was in front of me..." Ezra trailed off. He carefully sat down next to me. "How is he?"

"Nathan's with him." Vin glanced at me. "Got kinda crowded and stuffy in there."

I felt my cheeks flame. My best friend was hurt bad and all I could do was faint like a girl. Shit. No wonder they all thought of me as a kid...I sure acted like one.

The door opened and Chris stepped out. His eyes were dark and bleak. I felt that sick feelin' in my stomach again. "Chris..." I started. I couldn't go on. I couldn't ask.

I was afraid to know.

"How is he?" Vin asked.

"Nathan's still workin' on him," Chris answered shortly. He clomped across the rough boards and dropped down on my other side. I could see fine beads of sweat on his forehead before he wiped them away.

"Is he..." My voice failed and I had to clear my throat and start again. "Is he awake?"

Chris just shook his head. He glanced past me at Ezra. "You hurt?"

"I was just explaining to Mr. Tanner that Mr. Wilmington was in front of me when..." Ezra swallowed hard. I could tell he was tryin' to keep up his poker face but his voice shook a little as he finished, "When the rock fall started."

"What were you doin' there anyway?" Chris didn't sound angry this time, just tired and sad.

Ezra shrugged. "I just followed Mr. Wilmington. He seemed agitated last night and I thought it unwise-" he stopped dead.

"Agitated." That's an Ezra word all right. What he meant was Buck was upset and hurt because of what I'd yelled at him.

I was so cold suddenly. I shivered. Vin felt it and he squeezed my shoulder. "Weren't your fault, JD," he said firmly. "It was an accident."

I shook my head, blinking against the sudden rush of tears. It was my fault. Buck was out there cause of me, cause of what I said. I knew it, they knew it. "I yelled at him," I started.

"You didn't drop rocks on him," Chris said. He didn't meet my eyes, just stared down. "And you were right, before...if yellin' at Buck drove him off he'd have been long gone."

"Damn it!" I yelled, taking them all by surprise. I even surprised myself but hell, why couldn't Chris just admit the truth? I yelled at Buck. Because of me, he was out there in that canyon when those rocks started falling. Because of me...

 _If he died..._

 _Oh God..._

 _He can't...he can't die..._

 _Please Buck. Please! Please don't die..._

I don't know how long we sat out there. Felt like forever. Miz Travis showed up with a pot of coffee. Chris, Vin and I all drank some although I couldn't even taste it. I just needed something hot. I was still so cold.

Ezra didn't drink any. He barely answered when Miz Travis spoke to him. He was still covered head to toe with that grayish dust and he had his arms crossed in front of him. A couple of times I felt him shiver so maybe I wasn't the only one feelin' cold.

Finally the door opened and Nathan came out, wipin' his hands on a towel. I jumped up, but my legs were still wobbly and I sat right back down again. "Nathan? How is he? Is he awake yet?"

Nathan looked at me, then looked away. He shook his head. The look on his face...

"Nathan!" Chris' voice demanded answers.

"He's got a couple of broke ribs. Up high," Nathan pointed on his own body. His hand dropped to his side. "Don't seem to have torn up his lungs. He's pretty banged up and bruised but I don't think he's bleeding inside."

Okay, that was all good news. Well, not the part about the broke ribs, but broke ribs can heal. Looking at Nathan though, I found myself holding my breath. There was more and I knew it was bad.

"His head," Nathan started. He stopped, shook his head, then wiped at his eyes with one hand. "It's a bad wound. Real bad. I got the bleeding stopped but..."

"But what?" Chris' voice was soft but still demanding.

"He's not respondin' to anything," Nathan blurted out. The words came out in a rush, a lot faster than he normally talks. "He should be in pain-the head wound, those ribs-but he doesn't seem to feel it. He doesn't respond to my voice or Josiah's or to us touchin' him. I gave him some water and he didn't even try to swallow."

I tried to say somethin'-don't even know what-but it was like my voice had just disappeared.

"What are ya sayin', Nate?" Vin asked the question.

Nathan took a deep breath. "There's somethin' I've read about...with bad head injuries. It's called a coma."

I felt Ezra jump a little bit beside me.

"It's not sleep...more like deep unconsciousness."

Nobody said anything. Vin looked puzzled and Chris didn't look much of anything. Ezra was starin' down at his hands and I noticed they were clenched together so tightly the bones almost looked like they were going to rip through the dirty skin.

I found my voice. "So when he wakes up, will he be okay?" I was praying so hard that Nathan would say yes but I knew he wasn't goin' to. But I wasn't prepared for what he did say.

His eyes when he met mine were wet. "JD...he may not wake up at all."

I heard what he said but I couldn't believe it. No. No. Not Buck. I looked around wildly. Vin was shaking his head. Chris clenched his jaw and his eyes got that flinty green look. And Ezra flinched like someone had hit him.

Nobody said anything.

"Can't we do somethin' Nathan?" Vin's voice almost sounded pleading.

Nathan rubbed the back of his neck with one shaking hand. "Pray," he answered bluntly. "And...some doctors think if you talk to the person, it helps. Gives them something to hang on to...help them find their way back." He held up one hand as Vin and Chris both started for the door. "Josiah's finishin' cleanin' him up now. We can't all be in there at one time. You need to take turns."

That's Nathan's rule whenever someone gets hurt. He says the last thing he needs is everybody crowdin' in there, gettin' no rest and clutterin' the place up. But I didn't care. Buck was my best friend and I was stayin' with him. I stood up. Chris glanced at me and unclenched his jaw long enough to say, "JD and I'll stay with him. Vin, you've got the patrol; I'll relieve you in four hours." Chris sounded as if he was reciting all that for a school lesson. His eyes flickered to Ezra.

"I need to check him over," Nathan said, meaning Ezra.

"There is...no need for that, Mr. Jackson." Ezra pushed against the bench to stand up. "A bath and fresh wearing apparel and I-" his face went sheet-white under all the dirt and his knees buckled. Surprised, I grabbed his arm to try to break his fall but he was heavier than he looked. He ended up on the ground and I ended up on my knees next to him. "Ezra?" I called, laying my hand on the leg that was nearest to me. Something wet and warm and sticky was all over his pants. I jerked my hand back, holding it up. My heart started pounding even harder when I realized it was blood. "Nathan!"

 _to be continued_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N I'd like to thank everyone for the comments on this story. I didn't realize when I dragged it out of mothballs that there would be so many people eager to read or re-read it. Thank you! - Sue Kelley_

 **Chapter Three:**

Turned out Ezra had cut his leg, a long, jagged tear in his thigh all the way down to the back of his knee. Nathan cleaned it up and stopped the bleeding, all the time cussin' Ezra for a stubborn fool. Ezra slept through it. He started to come around though when Nathan started stitchin' it closed. Nathan stopped muttering under his breath long enough to get him to drink some water and one of his evil-smelling teas for the pain.

"Is he going to be okay?" Chris finally asked from where he was sitting next to Buck. He hadn't moved from that spot since he and Vin had carried Ezra in and put him on the cot, since Buck was in the bed. Chris had one hand resting on Buck's on top of the blanket. I was on the other side but I couldn't look at Buck's face yet. I watched Nathan with Ezra but I kept my hand on Buck's chest so I could feel the rise and fall of his breathing.

"If he does what I tell him-which he won't, the stupid idiot," Nathan flared. In spite of his anger, his big hands were gentle as he bandaged Ezra's leg. "What the hell was he thinkin', not tellin' us he was hurt?"

If Chris said anything, I didn't hear it. I'd finally worked up my courage to look at Buck. My heart sank into my stomach. He was so still. Buck's never still. Heck, even when he's asleep out on the trail he's got this air of restlessness about him. The only time I've ever seen him like this was-I felt sick.

He'd been like this out in the Seminole village, after he took a sword meant for me.

That was right after we met, a year ago. A year? Was that all? Sometimes it seemed like I'd known the guys all my life; that I'd always been here. Boston and the stables behind the three-story mansion on the Charles River seem so far away. I still think of my mother a lot, but good memories now. The pain of losing her is less. I have another family now. I know she's happy about that, where she is.

And I have a special big brother. A best friend.

I look back at the still figure in the bed. Bruises were starting to come out all over his face and chest. The bandage hid the head wound but one eye was swollen and black.

Chris had leaned down close to Buck's face and was talking to him, so quiet I couldn't make out the words. Chris' icy mask had dropped away and I could see the fear in his eyes.

I looked away, my throat closing up, tears coming to my eyes. I blinked them away furiously. Damn it, I'm a man, not a kid. Men don't cry.

 _Don't do this Buck. Don't you dare die on me_.

The hours crawled by. Chris talked to Buck until he was hoarse. I didn't know he could talk that much. A lot of it I couldn't hear but he seemed to be telling stories about their old times together. A couple of times he even smiled, I guess recalling some particularly funny memory.

Buck didn't move. His face didn't change. Chris' voice got panicked and he resorted to ordering Buck to wake up.

Ezra woke up as the sun shifted around to shine in the windows and the room started to warm up. He was feverish and in a lot of pain but he insisted he was well enough to get up. Nathan poured more water and more tea down him in spite of him arguin' about it. In spite of his sayin' he was just fine, Ezra was asleep again in ten minutes.

Chris ordered me to go get somethin' to eat. Not only that, he sent Josiah along to make sure I did. The roast beef sandwich at the hotel tasted like sawdust. I drank three cups of coffee though. I had to stay awake. Josiah didn't say anything while we were eating and I was glad. I just wanted to get back to Buck. No sooner had I shoveled the last mouthful into my mouth than I stood up to leave. Josiah put his hand on my arm. I stared at him, daring him to try to stop me. All he said was, "I got you something."

He held out a dime novel. I took it, flipping it around to see the title. I felt my eyes widen. "I never saw this one," I said.

In spite of everything, Josiah grinned. "Didn't suppose you would have. Not around here anyway. Chris'd make sure about that."

I met his kind eyes with my own. "I don't-"

"Thought you might want to read it to Buck," Josiah interrupted. He grinned again.

"Buck hates these things," I pointed out.

He actually laughed. "I'll bet he does. Especially that one!" At my questioning look, he went on, "He's in it. Toward the end. Who knows? The Lord works in mysterious ways. He might wake up and tell you how wrong it is."

I held the faded newsprint in my hand. "How'd you know? That I... don't know what to say to him? Chris has talked to him all day...and Chris usually don't say anythin' much. But I-"

Josiah reached out to grip my arm. "You'll know what to say when the time comes, John Dunne. Your words will come from your heart, just as Chris' have come from his. I imagine Chris has been saving those words for a long time."

Suddenly I was angry, not with Josiah but with myself. I yanked my arm free. "Yeah well, he's not the one whose words caused this whole mess. If it wasn't for me, Buck wouldn't be-" I couldn't say what I was thinking. "He wouldn't be hurt. Neither would Ezra."

Josiah's eyes sparked. "Young man, right now Buck needs your help, not your guilt," he snapped. "You don't know that Buck wouldn't have been there anyway. Or he could have got hurt in town just as easy. Doesn't make any difference how it happened. We just need to help him find his way back home."

 **+-+-+-**

Night.

Blackness, thick and dark as velvet, spread across the town. The street fires were tiny spots of light in the overwhelming darkness.

I took another deep breath of fresh air and turned to go back into the clinic, quietly moving past Nathan who was wrapped in a bedroll on the balcony. He finally agreed to a nap about an hour ago. Josiah was out on patrol and Vin was over in Ezra's room above the saloon catching a nap himself.

I stepped inside. Nathan had opened the windows to let some fresh air in but it was still stuffy and too warm from the afternoon sun. Chris looked up from where he sat in a chair between the bed and the cot. His tired eyes narrowed in the yellow light from the lamp. "Thought I told you to get some sleep," he growled. His voice was hoarse from talking to Buck so much during the day.

"Can't sleep," I answered honestly. I dropped into the chair drawn close to the head of the bed and studied Buck closely, hoping, praying, to see some change.

Just at twilight, Buck had started to have some problems breathing. He started panting almost. Scared me to death and Vin too. I knew by the look on Nathan's face it was bad. Vin bolted from the clinic to find Chris. Ezra woke up with all the commotion and watched from the cot with haunted eyes. This went on for about an hour with Nathan hovering over Buck, Chris standin' silent and intense in one corner, and me sure that every breath was goin' to be his last and prayin' harder than I had since my ma died.

God must have been listenin' to me this time. Or maybe He was listening to Josiah. Cause' Buck's breathing evened out. Nathan relaxed some and even left Buck long enough to harass Ezra into takin' more of "that vile substance" as Ez called his tea.

But Buck still didn't wake up. As the hours went on I saw Nathan get more and more worried even though he didn't say anything. Chris finally ran out of things to talk about or maybe he just ran out of energy. Anyway he just sat in the chair staring at Buck like he was daring him to wake up.

So I'd started reading the book Josiah had give me aloud. And pretty quick I realized why Josiah had been laughing. The story was about _"that legendary vision in black, Chris Larabee."_ I read that line and thought Chris was going to choke to death before he had a chance to shoot me. Ten pages later Chris ordered me to give him the book so he could burn it. I explained how Josiah had thought it might make Buck wake up. Chris stopped, real startled like, then seemed to think for a few minutes before a grin actually crossed his face. "Yeah it just might," he said thoughtfully. He nodded for me to go on readin'.

Now I picked up the book again. We were about halfway through it and the bad guys had just kidnapped a friend of the _"legendary Chris Larabee's"_ to force him into a gunfight with the Chief Bad Guy. The writer never explained why _Chris Larabee,_ who at this point had shot at least four people in this book alone, would need what Ezra would call "added inducement" to get into a gunfight.

I turned the page. The friend turned out to be a Texas Ranger name of Buck Wilmington. I blinked and flipped back to the cover. Yeah, the hapless victim did have a mustache like Buck's but other than that didn't look like him at all. For one thing the drawing made _"Buck"_ look like he was all of twelve years old. I might be wrong but I didn't think Buck and Chris had known each other when Buck was twelve.

Besides, since when do they let twelve year olds join the Texas Rangers?

Then it hit me. Texas Rangers?

I looked over at Chris, who was smirking in spite of the situation. "This true?"

Chris rolled his eyes. "You really think Buck would be taken that easy?"

"Well, no," I admitted. So far the Texas Ranger Wilmington hadn't done much but whimper and cry for Larabee to rescue him. I couldn't see Buck doin' either. "But was he a Texas Ranger?"

Chris nodded.

"When?" I was a little hurt Buck had never told me.

"Long time ago. Before I was the 'legendary vision in black'" Chris snorted.

"You were a Ranger too? 'Zat how you two met?"

"I was a Ranger, yeah, but we met before that." Chris hesitated. "We were in the Army together." He glanced over at Ezra, making sure he was still asleep, I guess. "During the War."

I felt my eyes widen. Buck had never said anythin' about that to me. I started wonderin' if I really knew anything about him.

That was a couple of hours ago. Chris didn't say much more about it. After awhile he leaned back in the chair and seemed to doze off. Ezra rolled over on his side and for a few minutes I thought he was waking up, but then he settled down again.

I closed the book and studied the cover again. "Bet that did piss you off when you read it," I told Buck. "Don't worry, Buck, no one who knows you'd ever believe this story."

I watched his face. "'Course if you don't wake up I guess I'll have to take copies of this book around to all your lady-friends so they can see the 'real' Buck Wilmington." I figured if that didn't wake him up...

I felt the tears sting my eyes again. "Damn it," I swore, wiping them away. "Damn you, Buck, you'd better wake up. I need you to wake up. I need to tell you-"

Tell him what? That I was wrong for yellin' at him like that? That I didn't mean it? Somehow I knew he knew that. But then why did he leave town? Why did he get that look on his face?

Josiah had said the words should come from the heart.

"Buck, I'm sorry," I heard myself blurting out. "I didn't mean what I said. You know that, don't ya? I'm so glad we met. I'm glad you're my best friend...my brother," I finished in a whisper. I curled my fingers around his cold hand. "I don't know why I said that stuff. It's just...sometimes I feel like...all you guys see is a kid. I get mad, but I didn't mean it. You have to know that I didn't mean it."

"He knows."

I whirled around at that soft southern voice. Ezra was watching me from his cot. I could feel my face getting red. "Didn't know you were awake."

"My apologies, Mr. Dunne. I didn't mean to eavesdrop on a private conversation."

I shrugged, looking down on Buck's hand tightly clasped in my own. Then I realized what Ezra had said. "What do you mean, 'he knows'?"

Ezra shifted and winced painfully. "I mean exactly what I said. Mr. Wilmington knows how you feel about him. I hazard a guess we all know how you feel about him."

"Then why did he leave?" I burst out.

Ezra's eyes drifted to Chris' sleeping form. He frowned. "I would imagine your impassioned commentary roused some demons that Mr. Wilmington was unready to face."

Shoot. What is it with everybody these days? Chris and Josiah and now Ezra. All of them talkin' in riddles. Can't anybody just spit out what they're thinkin'? I did. I felt that sick feelin' in my stomach again. Yeah, I did. And that's how all this happened.

Ezra got quiet again and when I looked back he was asleep. Well, he looked like he was asleep anyway. Chris hadn't moved during the whole conversation.

Neither had Buck.

I looked at him again and suddenly I was mad. Madder than I'd been in the saloon. Madder than I'd ever been at anybody. "You big dumb..." I couldn't think of a word bad enough. "Cowboy!" I finally exploded. Well, if Chris hated it maybe Buck did too. "If you don't wake up so I can tell you I'm sorry, I'll...I'll...make you wear my hat at your funeral!"

I slammed my mouth shut. I couldn't believe I'd even _thought_ about his funeral, much less threatened him about it. "Buck-"

"Boy, kid...you're right nasty when...you get riled."

My head jerked up at the sound of his voice. "Buck?" I whispered.

"First you read me...that...piece of shit. Then you threaten to hand it all over...town...now you're gonna...make me face my Maker in...that hat?" His eyes fluttered, then slowly opened.

Buck!" I yelled.

Chris jerked awake. "What's wrong?" He made a flying leap over to the bed. I'm not kidding, he looked like a squirrel. He saw Buck's eyes open and seemed to just melt, dropping down to sit heavily on the bed. He put his hand on Buck's shoulder. "You bastard," he muttered fondly.

Buck just grinned sleepily. "Didn't mean to scare you." His eyes never left mine.

I could hardly talk, I was so relieved to see his eyes open and see that stupid grin and hear his voice. "You didn't scare me," I denied. I leaned closer. "You kinda worried Chris, though," I said, quiet-like like I was telling him a big secret. Anyone looking at Chris could tell he'd been worried.

Heck, I'm pretty sure I wasn't foolin' anybody, either.

The door opened and Nathan stumbled in, rubbing his eyes. "Everything okay in here? I thought I heard..." He got to the bed and saw Buck was awake. "Buck?" All of a sudden he was back in healer-mode, feeling for Buck's pulse and listening to his breathing and looking in his eyes. I knew the danger was over even before I saw the relieved grin appear on Nathan's face. "About damn time you woke up," he scolded softly.

I gripped Buck's hand tighter and sat down on the edge of the bed. For some reason I felt really tired all of a sudden. But a good tired.

Buck was going to be okay.

I had my big brother back.

 ** _Late the next evening:_**

When Nathan came back after getting something to eat he shooed me out of the clinic, mutterin' about how he had enough problems on his hands with Buck and Ezra down, he sure didn't need me collapsing underfoot too. He'd let Ezra go with Vin to get a hot meal. Ez had dutifully returned to the clinic (although I think it was more cause he was worried about Buck than for fear of Nathan). He was curled on the cot in the corner, pretending to be sleepin'. I know he was playing possum though cause he kind of snorted when Nathan said that and he opened his eyes and winked at me.

I took one last look at Buck. He'd been sleepin' peacefully for a couple of hours. His face was turned away from me, hidin' that huge ugly wound, and I was glad I couldn't see it. The memory of what it looked like when Nathan had finally got all the blood sponged away and the light hit it would haunt my dreams for a long while to come.

I wanted to stay in the clinic. I tried arguing with Nathan but it didn't work. Didn't help any that I couldn't stop yawnin'. Nathan seemed sure that Buck would sleep through the night so I figured I might as well do the same.

On the way back to the boarding house though, I took a detour.

Chris was in the saloon, sittin' alone at a table with a glass and a bottle in front of him. The bottle was almost full. I hesitated, then grabbed a clean glass off the bar and slid into the seat across from him. Chris looked over at me, then grinned a little and poured me a shot. I nodded my thanks.

"I need to ask you somethin'." I took a sip of the whiskey, to give me courage I guess, and tried not to wince. God that stuff is terrible.

Chris raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"You may think it ain't none of my business." I felt my face grow hot. "Okay, it probably ain't none of my business, but I'd really like to know."

Chris didn't say anything, just sipped his drink and eyed me steadily. I'd just as soon have faced every desperado we've gone up against than faced down this man. But I needed to know.

"You said...you were afraid-" Chris' green eyes flared and I quickly substituted "You thought Buck might have left for good, after what I-what I said."

"JD," Chris started, looking kind of guilty

I held up a hand to stop whatever he was going to say. "Let me finish, okay? This is important to me." I took a deep breath. "Did Buck ever leave you?"

There was silence between us while I tried to figure out if I could dodge under the table faster than Chris could draw and shoot. But the silence lasted so long I stopped worrying about Chris killin' me and just figured he wasn't going to say anything.

Chris finally sighed. He stared down at his glass, not drinkin, just turning it around and around on the table. "You mean, did I ever drive him away?" His voice was quiet and calm and just a little sad.

Make that a lot sad.

I stammered 'cause, truth to tell, that was what I was askin', of course.

"No."

I looked up. Chris' eyes met mine, clear and green and sincere. He smiled a little at my face. "You thought I was gonna say yes, didn't you, kid?"

I started to say somethin'-I really don't know what-but he was looking down at the amber liquid in his glass again and when he spoke his voice was real far away. "There were a lot of times if he'd any brains he would have got away from me. And I might even have thought he _did_. But lookin' back now, Buck never really left. He might have backed off-gone somewhere else for awhile-given me some rope-but he was always around somewhere, ready to pull on that rope before I could use it to hang myself."

"But," I started. What he said sounded right, but- "Buck said when the two of you met up here he hadn't seen you for a long time-"

Chris almost laughed. "Three months."

"And he didn't know you was here-"

"He said that, huh?" No question, Chris was laughing. He drained his glass and stood up, signaling that our talk-such as it was-was over. "JD, I'm willin' to bet Buck always knew where I was. And I know where he was. Same place he is now."

"Huh?"

Chris just grinned that half-smile of his and reached over and knocked my hat onto the floor. Just like Buck would have done. Then he turned and walked out of the saloon.

I just stared after him. What did that mean?

I took a last gulp of my drink.

God, that stuff really is terrible.

 _To be concluded..._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: I found some original notes that went with the story so I now know it was beta'd by both Wendy and Charlotte. It was inspired by Jody Revenson's ATF story "Unexpected in Common Hours", which is, as far as I know, available at Blackraptor._

 _Thanks again for the comments! - Sue Kelley_

 **Still**

 **Epilogue:**

I shifted around in the rocking chair. It was actually Ezra's chair but he had volunteered to leave it in Buck's room during _"Mr. Wilmington's extended period of recuperation."_ With a pillow in the seat it was a heck of a lot more comfortable than a straight chair.

"JD, you don't have ta baby-sit me, ya know," Buck said, leaning back in the bed with difficulty. His two broken ribs were high up, near the back. I had a cracked rib once. Hurt like a son of a gun. Buck didn't complain even though I noticed he was real careful not to breathe deep. The white bandage covered the jagged wound on his head, but blue, black and purple bruises shaded the whole left side of his face.

"I'm not babysittin'," I pointed out. "Just enjoyin' your company. You mind?"

It was Buck's first night back in his own room-Nathan had finally given up trying to keep him in the clinic. But the healer was determined Buck wasn't up to _"socializing with his various paramours"_ as Ezra had put it. So yeah, I was babysittin'. But truth be told, I _was_ enjoyin' being with him. There'd been too many hours there when I was scared I'd never get the chance to talk to him again.

But I didn't know how to tell Buck that. We had a lot we needed to talk about, me and him, but I just didn't know how to start.

"You look like a man with a powerful lot on his mind," Buck said suddenly.

Startled, I looked up to meet his eyes. They were warm and accepting. I couldn't hold the gaze for long.

"I was just wonderin'," I stalled, looking around the room.

Buck let out a deep sigh, then winced and shifted uncomfortably. I opened my mouth but before I could say anything, he did. "JD, I'm sorry."

My mouth slammed shut. _He's_ sorry?

Buck looked at me with a hopeful expression on his face. I was still too stunned to say anything. He looked away. "The other night, in the saloon...hell, you were right, Kid-JD. I shouldn't've been raggin' you about the beer-"

"Buck!" I had to interrupt because this just wasn't right, damn it. Buck wasn't the one who should be apologizing.

Buck just went on as if I hadn't said anything at all. "You're a man, Ki-JD. A man shouldn't have to account to another man for his doings."

He was trying so hard not to say "Kid".

"Sometimes, I-"

"Buck!" I practically shouted this time. "Just shut up!"

Buck's eyes widened.

Okay, well, that was one way of getting a word in edgewise.

"You don't need to apologize," I said, more quietly now. "You were just being...you." Suddenly I remembered what Chris had said that night in the saloon and almost unconsciously I repeated it. "Can't fault a man for being what he is."

Buck kind of chuckled, then grabbed his ribs. "And when it comes to you I'm a mother hen, JD. I know that."

"It's not just you," I heard myself saying. "It's Chris, Vin...all of you guys. You think I'm a kid." I felt my face getting hot. "Can't blame you when I act like I did in the saloon, blowing up like that." I met his eyes with my own finally. "I'm the one who's sorry, Buck. I don't ever want you out of my life. You're my best friend...my big brother."

Buck was looking more and more uncomfortable. He really hates sentimental moments I think, less'n it's a pretty lady he's getting' sentimental with.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Oh, hell, Kid, there's nothing to forgive," Buck said roughly. He didn't seem to realize he'd said "Kid" and I very carefully kept my smile from showing. Funny how that word wasn't bothering me anymore.

"Nothing to forgive!" I retorted, waving my hand at his body stretched out in the bed. "You call this nothing'?"

"JD," Buck sighed patiently. "What happened in Devil's Finger wasn't your fault. I knew better than to go out there this time of year with all the rain hereabouts anyway."

"So why did you?" I asked. "Were you that mad at me?"

Buck traced a patch on the quilt with one finger. "Wasn't mad at you at all," he finally said, refusing to look up. "I knew you didn't mean it. Leastways I hoped you didn't mean it. I just needed...sometimes a man just needs space to think. In a way I'm kinda like Vin, I guess. I do my best thinkin' out under the stars." He finally looked at me. "JD...when I-when any of us-call you Kid, it's not meant as a put-down. It's just..." he sighed again, looking frustrated that he couldn't think of the words. "You're-oh, hell, you're going to hate this-but there's something innocent about you-"

"Innocent!" I exploded.

He grinned shakily. "Said you'd hate it. Just shut up and let me finish, okay? There's something pure and...good...about you. Something the rest of us have lost somewhere. I just don't want you to lose it too soon. That's all I meant."

I shook my head. I didn't understand what he was saying. Innocent? Me? Heck I've killed people. Pure and good?

Maybe that knock he'd took to his head had scrambled his brains more'n Nathan thought.

Looking at him, I knew the conversation was over for now. Buck obviously didn't want to say any more, and he was hurtin', I could tell. I let it drop. He's not mad at me for what I said in the saloon. That's what's important. We can talk about the rest of it some other day. Maybe I'll even tell him I don't mind being called "Kid" so much.

On the other hand, maybe I won't.

There was a knock on the door and Chris stuck his head in. "You two doing okay?" He looked at Buck and hastily added, "I was just passin' by."

Yeah. Right. Chris has just _happened to pass by_ three or four times since we brought Buck back from Nathan's. He's not fooling Buck _or_ me.

He'd brought Buck's medicine from Nathan with him. Nathan was out at the Sumner place, Mr. Sumner had gotten gored again by one of those Texas Longhorns of his. Buck drank the stuff down with no objection and only a little curling of the lips. He must have been hurtin' bad. He doesn't put up the fuss Ezra does but he usually manages to say something about how bad that tea tastes.

Chris stayed a few more minutes and helped me get Buck situated more comfortably in the bed. Then he left, giving me a slight grin. He and I both knew he was gonna come by when Buck was asleep and sit with him; he and Nathan had already ordered me to get a good night's sleep "for a change". Buck'll be pissed about the "baby-sittin'" but by the time he wakes up and figures it out tomorrow mornin' it'll be too late for him to do anything.

 _You're not the only mother hen around here, Buck._

Thinking of Chris made me remember something. I looked over at Buck's dresser, at the little drawer underneath the mirror. "Hey, Buck?"

"What?"

"When you was missin' that morning...before Ezra got you back into town, we came in here-" I stumbled to a stop, realizing I was telling Buck we'd broke into his room. Well, not really broke in since Chris had a key, but I didn't know how Buck would feel about what we'd done.

Didn't seem to bother him, actually. "Yeah, Chris told me. So?"

"Chris opened that drawer, over there," I pointed. "He just took one quick look, and it was like whatever he saw in there, he knew you were coming back. That you hadn't meant to leave for good."

Buck was studyin' me with those dark blue eyes that usually seem so carefree but can see all the way to my soul. "Did _you_ think I'd left for good?"

"No," I denied. "I mean, not until he...not until I realized he thought you..." I trailed off, feeling my cheeks burn. God, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I looked down at the quilt and absently traced one of the patches with my finger.

"JD."

I looked up. Buck was smiling gently. "Go look in the drawer."

"You mean it?"

"It's no secret, Kid. Go look."

I probably should have protested, that would have been the "gentlemanly" thing to do. But hell, I ain't no gentleman and neither is Buck, for that matter. I got up from the rocker and scrambled over to the dresser.

There was only one thing in the drawer: a small wooden box about ten inches square, with a tarnished brass lock and hinges. I didn't touch it, just looked over at Buck. "What is it?" I asked. "Chris didn't open it or anything-"

"He didn't have to." Buck interrupted. He grinned. "He knows I'd never leave that box behind...not if'n I had a choice. He and Sarah-and Adam-" his face shadowed for a minute as he said the names-"gave it to me. I'd just had an old cardboard box before. It was fallin' apart, had ta wrap string around it to keep it together."

I frowned. "Is there anythin' in it?"

He grinned again, sleepily. Nathan's tea must be takin' effect. "Oh, yeah."

"What?" Okay, I was being nosy.

Buck was quiet for a long minute, then he sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Pebbles," he said finally.

"Pebbles. You mean like rocks?"

He shook his head. "No, not like rocks. Pebbles."

And suddenly I knew what he was talking about. Josiah had been talkin' one night, out on the trail, telling one of his parables. This one had been about a man who as he walked through life picked up pebbles to remind him of where he'd been, the things he'd done, the mistakes he didn't want to make again. He put the pebbles in his pockets. One day the man got caught in a flash flood and instead of drownin' him because of the weight in his pockets, the pebbles helped anchor him to the bank and kept him from being swept away.

As Josiah's stories went it wasn't one of his best. I remember Vin frowning like he was trying to figure out how the man kept from drowning, and Ezra just rolled his eyes, but not where Josiah could see. I remember though, that Buck looked kind of thoughtful, and that Chris had looked at him and smiled.

"You got some pebbles yet, JD?" Buck asked.

I thought of my ma's Bible and her locket. And then I looked at him, at my self-appointed big brother and guardian angel.

And I nodded. "Yeah Buck, I think I do."


End file.
